I think I am done with studying for the day. Having a super bad headache now.
Its going to be 1am ler.
And everybody in this house sleeps ler, except for me, who is still sitting on the floor of the living room, laying her head on the coffee table, thinking about everything that has happened to her.
And finally, after 45mins, she lifts her head up and realised that she don't know what she is doing with her life now.
Is this call moving on? When you can't feel any happiness at all?
When you know that that guy can never replace that guy. And all you needed and wanted is that guy, not that guy.
How can you move on when you still see that guy up ahead? How do you move on when you still wants him to be in everything that you do? How do you move on when you know you once had it all? How do you move on when you don't know which guy to choose, which path to take?
How do you move on when you knows your heart don't want to?
But how do you hang on when you know you have been let go? How do you hang on when hanging on aches? When even breathing hurts? When you know you are hurting yourself and the people around you? How do you hang on when you know it is no use and there is no point in doing so?
If you were in my shoes, what will you do?
How can you pretend to be happy when everything arounds you makes you feel depressed? When everything reminds you of that thing?
How can you laugh out loud when you know you can't?
And how can you enjoy everything with your friends when you know you all have drift apart and there are many problems between you and your friends? When everything is not the same anymore?
And how can you be yourself when your family expects you to be the person they wants you to be and not the person you truly are? I thought a home is where you can truly relax and be yourself? After so many months, I still hate it here. I guess somethings will never change. And how can you be the one everyone expects you to be when you are not even the one you expects yourself to be? Irony, isn't it?
And why are you always there for friends when you can't even be here for yourself? How can you cheer people up when you can't even cheer yourself up?
And why are you torturing yourself with these endless sufferings, sleepless nights, heartache, headache, tiredness, endless tears, depressed mind, endless work, be what people wants you to be, etc. Why? You don't even know why are you working so hard for, yet you are working so hard? Stop trying to be strong when you are not.
Just. Break. Down, huiying.
Oh god, am I going mad or something? Why am I using a post to talk to myself? -.-
I just hope everything will be fine again and everything will turn out alright.
I still have tuition tomorrow. And I need to wake up super early tomorrow. So, I think I got to go, and hopes that I can sleep straight away bah. Nights.